April 11, 2008
Dear Editor:
I am the next J. K. Rowling. Fortunately for you she couldn't hack it, but I am available.
For six months I adopted a smarmy British accent and finally have completed my first childrens' novel, LARRY TOTTER AND THE HALF-ASSED PRINCE. In this novel, a prince with one buttock must save the kingdom from the Dumb Old Bores, magical paramilitary trained peasants from a rival kingdom, who have amassed an army the likes of which Stalin couldn't have envisioned. They are ready to attack, and Larry must save the day, which he does. In spades.
I'll be eagerly awaiting your acceptance. Please include an estimation of royalties.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Showing posts with label editor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label editor. Show all posts
Friday, April 11, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Letter Thirty-nine
March 24, 2008
Dear Editor:
I have found an untapped genre. Please consider my erotic YA series, BOBBY MacDUCK: The Boner Patrol Chronicles, Vol. 1.
Faced with a hard-on in third period English Composition and a lack of available porn, seventh grader Bobby MacDuck forms a club made up of unfulfilled virgin boys. Meeting with friends Dickey and Art at a local hot spring by chance, The Boner Patrol is born. They will write, photograph, and desktop publish their private titillations, including secret video of the girls' locker room, thus saving themselves for marriage.
But when a hot new substitute teacher comes on the scene -- and plans to stay -- the secret plan goes awry. She's found out what they're up to, and the price of her silence is for the boys to become teacher's pet.
Please consider my novel for publication in this infinite genre.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
I have found an untapped genre. Please consider my erotic YA series, BOBBY MacDUCK: The Boner Patrol Chronicles, Vol. 1.
Faced with a hard-on in third period English Composition and a lack of available porn, seventh grader Bobby MacDuck forms a club made up of unfulfilled virgin boys. Meeting with friends Dickey and Art at a local hot spring by chance, The Boner Patrol is born. They will write, photograph, and desktop publish their private titillations, including secret video of the girls' locker room, thus saving themselves for marriage.
But when a hot new substitute teacher comes on the scene -- and plans to stay -- the secret plan goes awry. She's found out what they're up to, and the price of her silence is for the boys to become teacher's pet.
Please consider my novel for publication in this infinite genre.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Letter Thirty-eight
March 22, 2008
Dear Editor:
Thank you for giving subjective a whole new lack of definition.
Do I mean that?
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
Thank you for giving subjective a whole new lack of definition.
Do I mean that?
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Letter Thirty-seven
March 20, 2008
Dear Editor:
My spouse helped me translate your recent rejection since a Dewars binge made my eyesight a little fuzzy. Now that I'm sober, should I assume 'not right for the house' means, you suck worse than a two dollar hooker with fangs?
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
My spouse helped me translate your recent rejection since a Dewars binge made my eyesight a little fuzzy. Now that I'm sober, should I assume 'not right for the house' means, you suck worse than a two dollar hooker with fangs?
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Letter Thirty-six
March 15, 2008
Dear Editor:
Thank you for reviewing my novel, HAS ANYONE SEEN MY PERSONAL SPACE? a metaphor for the common man in your e-zine. I'm sure that once readership surpasses the four pub-buddies mentioned in your blog, sales of the sixth edition will take off.
Give yourself an 'A' for risk.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
Thank you for reviewing my novel, HAS ANYONE SEEN MY PERSONAL SPACE? a metaphor for the common man in your e-zine. I'm sure that once readership surpasses the four pub-buddies mentioned in your blog, sales of the sixth edition will take off.
Give yourself an 'A' for risk.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Letter Thirty-five
March 13, 2008
Dear Editor:
My spouse thinks today is my lucky day. Please consider my eighteenth novel, RIDICULE, for publication.
While you enjoy your honeymoon in Ecuador, Greece, and Milan, I'll be schmoozing friends with Pabst Blue Ribbon in my tiny backyard at my annual unfit to publish party. Sure wish you could be here.
Enclosed please find the first chapter and a self-written rejection letter for your convenience.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
My spouse thinks today is my lucky day. Please consider my eighteenth novel, RIDICULE, for publication.
While you enjoy your honeymoon in Ecuador, Greece, and Milan, I'll be schmoozing friends with Pabst Blue Ribbon in my tiny backyard at my annual unfit to publish party. Sure wish you could be here.
Enclosed please find the first chapter and a self-written rejection letter for your convenience.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Letter Thirty-four
March 12, 2008
Dear Editor:
Your concerns about INFINITY needing development were well noted. Enclosed please find a Selectric typewriter, a ream of paper, and my outline.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
Your concerns about INFINITY needing development were well noted. Enclosed please find a Selectric typewriter, a ream of paper, and my outline.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Friday, March 7, 2008
Letter Thirty-two
March 7, 2008
Dear Editor:
While I'm flattered you want to read my manuscript THE ICICLE CRIMINAL, I have a few concerns regarding the little changes you suggested.
First, changing Harry to a woman seems like a drastic move to make the novel more multi-layered. Also, could you please give me an idea of where you're going by putting the new protagonist 'Mary' in a lesbian relationship with Maggie? Yes, having the children be twin quadriplegics would lend sympathy to Mary's character, but wouldn't this entail a rewrite on the scale of Waterworld? Do twin quadriplegics eat hot wings and pizza?
My spouse has graciously agreed to forgo the C class and is considering an Acura.
Enclosed please find the requested manuscript with the suggested changes.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
While I'm flattered you want to read my manuscript THE ICICLE CRIMINAL, I have a few concerns regarding the little changes you suggested.
First, changing Harry to a woman seems like a drastic move to make the novel more multi-layered. Also, could you please give me an idea of where you're going by putting the new protagonist 'Mary' in a lesbian relationship with Maggie? Yes, having the children be twin quadriplegics would lend sympathy to Mary's character, but wouldn't this entail a rewrite on the scale of Waterworld? Do twin quadriplegics eat hot wings and pizza?
My spouse has graciously agreed to forgo the C class and is considering an Acura.
Enclosed please find the requested manuscript with the suggested changes.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Letter Thirty-one
March 6, 2008
Dear Editor:
American Publishing hates me. Please consider taking up their leavings in my new crime novel, THE ICICLE CRIMINAL.
Harry Swift is living a suburban nightmare. His high-school sweetheart wife is dead, and ten years of drudgery at a computer terminal have turned this dedicated father of twins into an angry survivor. Being passed over for promotion for the fifth time by his millionaire boss and then fired for something he didn’t do is the final straw. With his dreams in the dumpster, Harry trudges home to find a technicality in his mortgage agreement has brought the entire balance due now. The twins want Domino's pizza. Harry is broke. The hunger for mozzarella and hot wings in his children’s eyes brings him to a decision that will change him forever.
He is cold. Clever. A nobody. The perfect thief.
He botches his first crimes, but learns well from his mistakes. He’s temporarily staved off the mortgage wolf at the door. Now needs one big job to make a clean break for him and his kids. He can buy then sell the house, move the family and live a life of peace in warm climes. A local diamond convention provides the perfect venue for the crime that will make all his dreams come true. A forty-carat diamond awaits him, and he has the know-how to access their computerized security system.
He’s ready, but during the act, a cleaning woman finds herself right in the middle of the action. Dragged along for the ride, Maggie bargains for her life. Her presence ruins the plan. The heist is a failure. Maggie demands more for her silence. What else can a furious diamond thief do but make her a partner?
The final day of the diamond convention approaches. Harry and Maggie have two days to plan and steal their next target, a sixteenth century diamond cane tip being flown in under extreme security the following day. As the lights come up in the convention center, Harry and Maggie go to work.
Everything goes wrong; security is but a step away from their every move, the computer program that will give them the thirty seconds they need to lift the cane tip fails. The convention center is in lock down. Harry and Maggie make peace with their approaching grand theft conviction by sharing a tender kiss. They promise to write from their respective prisons.
But Harry won’t let go of his dream. Hidden in an elevator shaft, Harry writes a daring new program, outruns the police, steals the prize, and rescues the girl from capture.
At home that night, Harry and Maggie watch their secret gambit broadcast to the world on the evening news. In epilogue, Harry’s house has a sold sign out front, he and Maggie are wed, and the entire family is packing up the new Suburban to make the drive to Florida. Together.
If you like THE ICICLE CRIMINAL, upon acceptance I will fly to New York and dance an Irish jig for you.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
American Publishing hates me. Please consider taking up their leavings in my new crime novel, THE ICICLE CRIMINAL.
Harry Swift is living a suburban nightmare. His high-school sweetheart wife is dead, and ten years of drudgery at a computer terminal have turned this dedicated father of twins into an angry survivor. Being passed over for promotion for the fifth time by his millionaire boss and then fired for something he didn’t do is the final straw. With his dreams in the dumpster, Harry trudges home to find a technicality in his mortgage agreement has brought the entire balance due now. The twins want Domino's pizza. Harry is broke. The hunger for mozzarella and hot wings in his children’s eyes brings him to a decision that will change him forever.
He is cold. Clever. A nobody. The perfect thief.
He botches his first crimes, but learns well from his mistakes. He’s temporarily staved off the mortgage wolf at the door. Now needs one big job to make a clean break for him and his kids. He can buy then sell the house, move the family and live a life of peace in warm climes. A local diamond convention provides the perfect venue for the crime that will make all his dreams come true. A forty-carat diamond awaits him, and he has the know-how to access their computerized security system.
He’s ready, but during the act, a cleaning woman finds herself right in the middle of the action. Dragged along for the ride, Maggie bargains for her life. Her presence ruins the plan. The heist is a failure. Maggie demands more for her silence. What else can a furious diamond thief do but make her a partner?
The final day of the diamond convention approaches. Harry and Maggie have two days to plan and steal their next target, a sixteenth century diamond cane tip being flown in under extreme security the following day. As the lights come up in the convention center, Harry and Maggie go to work.
Everything goes wrong; security is but a step away from their every move, the computer program that will give them the thirty seconds they need to lift the cane tip fails. The convention center is in lock down. Harry and Maggie make peace with their approaching grand theft conviction by sharing a tender kiss. They promise to write from their respective prisons.
But Harry won’t let go of his dream. Hidden in an elevator shaft, Harry writes a daring new program, outruns the police, steals the prize, and rescues the girl from capture.
At home that night, Harry and Maggie watch their secret gambit broadcast to the world on the evening news. In epilogue, Harry’s house has a sold sign out front, he and Maggie are wed, and the entire family is packing up the new Suburban to make the drive to Florida. Together.
If you like THE ICICLE CRIMINAL, upon acceptance I will fly to New York and dance an Irish jig for you.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Letter Thirty
March 5, 2008
Dear Editor:
Thank you for your interest in my novel INFINITY. My spouse is eyeing the Mercedes C class, despite my sage advice to look into a Geo.
Dear Editor:
Thank you for your interest in my novel INFINITY. My spouse is eyeing the Mercedes C class, despite my sage advice to look into a Geo.
It is important that you understand I am not marketing INFINITY as a 'bathroom' book, just a short thriller that would play well at the Laff Stop.
Enclosed please find the requested first three chapters. I hope you find time this year to pull the manuscript from the I'll look at this after my date tonight pile. Enjoy your sushi.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Friday, February 29, 2008
Letter Twenty-eight
February 29, 2008
Dear Editor:
Please forgive my ungracious lapse yesterday; Leap Year, and the arrival of new management at Fashion Hut coupled with a fantastic demotion to third second assistant took most of my time. That, and my spouse's screaming.
On a lighter note, I'm simply thrilled that you want to read FROM DUSK TIL DAYBREAK in its entirety. Please note that DUSK contains a moderate level of graphic sexual detail, particularly during the opening scenes at the convent orphanage. The donkey is negotiable.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
Please forgive my ungracious lapse yesterday; Leap Year, and the arrival of new management at Fashion Hut coupled with a fantastic demotion to third second assistant took most of my time. That, and my spouse's screaming.
On a lighter note, I'm simply thrilled that you want to read FROM DUSK TIL DAYBREAK in its entirety. Please note that DUSK contains a moderate level of graphic sexual detail, particularly during the opening scenes at the convent orphanage. The donkey is negotiable.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Letter Twenty-seven
February 27, 2008
Dear Editor:
I'd like to address the issue you mentioned with the ending of STORM OF BLOOD.
Although I disagree that the original ending is 'vague', I took your sage advice and came up with a slightly different ending.
Jake is a nutbag. He kills Mike on the dining table.
THE END.
Let me know what you think.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
I'd like to address the issue you mentioned with the ending of STORM OF BLOOD.
Jake pushed open the front door and then hurried
inside. Even the rain couldn't dampen his excitement; Mike was coming for dinner. The thought made him smile. It had been eight years since he'd had a guest and he wanted Mike to feel at home. Jake knew the truth behind Mike's visit but he didn't care. Nothing mattered except the sturdy oak table and the placement of the pearl handled knives on the vinyl tablecloth. He lit the candles, then stood back to admire the light gleaming from the twin hurricanes. Beyond
the windows, the storm raged.
He smiled. When Mike arrived, the storm would cleanse them both.
Although I disagree that the original ending is 'vague', I took your sage advice and came up with a slightly different ending.
Jake is a nutbag. He kills Mike on the dining table.
THE END.
Let me know what you think.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Letter Twenty-six
February 26, 2008
Dear Editor:
You asked me to give you an idea of where my novel fits in genre fiction. DUSK TIL DAYBREAK fits somewhere in between Anne of Green Gables and Silence of the Lambs.
Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
You asked me to give you an idea of where my novel fits in genre fiction. DUSK TIL DAYBREAK fits somewhere in between Anne of Green Gables and Silence of the Lambs.
Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Monday, February 25, 2008
Letter Twenty-Five
February 25, 2008
Dear Editor:
I' m sorry to hear you find STORM OF BLOOD excessively violent, profane, and "experimental" in nature. While the Geek Squad picks concrete out of my laptop, please consider the enclosed short story, BRAINS ON THE PAVEMENT.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
I' m sorry to hear you find STORM OF BLOOD excessively violent, profane, and "experimental" in nature. While the Geek Squad picks concrete out of my laptop, please consider the enclosed short story, BRAINS ON THE PAVEMENT.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Letter Twenty-Four
February 24, 2008
Dear Editor:
Now that I am out of the burn unit I look forward to being able to sit in a chair again. You will hear from me soon.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
Now that I am out of the burn unit I look forward to being able to sit in a chair again. You will hear from me soon.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Letter Twenty-Three
February 23, 2008
Dear Editor:
RE: your note dated 2.19.08
Could you please explain, ‘we don’t publish sloppy, hasty, slight fiction’?
While I wait eighteen months for your response, please consider the 25,000 word novel I wrote last night, THE ICICLE CRIMINAL.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
RE: your note dated 2.19.08
Could you please explain, ‘we don’t publish sloppy, hasty, slight fiction’?
While I wait eighteen months for your response, please consider the 25,000 word novel I wrote last night, THE ICICLE CRIMINAL.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Friday, February 22, 2008
Letter Twenty-Two
February 22, 2008
Dear Editor:
I have taken your advice. I’m learning Spanish so I can capitalize on strictly foreign markets.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
I have taken your advice. I’m learning Spanish so I can capitalize on strictly foreign markets.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Letter Twenty-One
February 21, 2008
Dear Editor:
What do natural disasters and a serial killer have in common? Violence. Upheaval. And the USGS.
Please consider my thriller, STORM OF BLOOD.
Jake Storm lived through sixteen natural disasters as a kid, but bearing witness to the horrors that tornadoes and earthquakes wrought has changed him. And not for the better.
A need for blood sends this USGS scientist around the world wherever disaster strikes. Where he strikes, too, using a unique weapon, a thirty-year-old spork gleaned from a disaster relief cart.
But when Mike Obermeyer, a cagy New Orleans detective, begins to notice similarities between the much published serial murders and world events, Mike and Jake’s two worlds will collide.
Please consider STORM OF BLOOD before Jake writes a sequel, SPORK OF HOPE.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
What do natural disasters and a serial killer have in common? Violence. Upheaval. And the USGS.
Please consider my thriller, STORM OF BLOOD.
Jake Storm lived through sixteen natural disasters as a kid, but bearing witness to the horrors that tornadoes and earthquakes wrought has changed him. And not for the better.
A need for blood sends this USGS scientist around the world wherever disaster strikes. Where he strikes, too, using a unique weapon, a thirty-year-old spork gleaned from a disaster relief cart.
But when Mike Obermeyer, a cagy New Orleans detective, begins to notice similarities between the much published serial murders and world events, Mike and Jake’s two worlds will collide.
Please consider STORM OF BLOOD before Jake writes a sequel, SPORK OF HOPE.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Letter Twenty
February 20, 2008
Dear Editor:
Let me repeat myself; everything after the story of Adam and Eve is derivative.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
Dear Editor:
Let me repeat myself; everything after the story of Adam and Eve is derivative.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer
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