Dear Editor: Thank you for responding to my letter dated February 5, 2008. I'm simply thrilled you want to make my novel SPACE CHIMPS a children's feature film.
However, I believe we are missing some critical paperwork to seal the deal. Please forward a contract outlining full rights, and royalties of 57%.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
U.S. Writer ps: let's review timing for the monolithic space iceberg's appearance, and discuss pacing.
Dear Editor: On my agent's advice, I am pulling my manuscript from consideration. I promise under pain of testimony that Larry Totter will never see the light of day. Instead, please consider my other childrens novel, MIKE SMITH AND THE ONE-BUTTOCKED PAGE.
Dear Editor: I am the next J. K. Rowling. Fortunately for you she couldn't hack it, but I am available.
For six months I adopted a smarmy British accent and finally have completed my first childrens' novel, LARRY TOTTER AND THE HALF-ASSED PRINCE. In this novel, a prince with one buttock must save the kingdom from the Dumb Old Bores, magical paramilitary trained peasants from a rival kingdom, who have amassed an army the likes of which Stalin couldn't have envisioned. They are ready to attack, and Larry must save the day, which he does. In spades.
I'll be eagerly awaiting your acceptance. Please include an estimation of royalties.
Dear Editor: I have found an untapped genre. Please consider my erotic YA series, BOBBY MacDUCK: The Boner Patrol Chronicles, Vol. 1. Faced with a hard-on in third period English Composition and a lack of available porn, seventh grader Bobby MacDuck forms a club made up of unfulfilled virgin boys. Meeting with friends Dickey and Art at a local hot spring by chance, The Boner Patrol is born. They will write, photograph, and desktop publish their private titillations, including secret video of the girls' locker room, thus saving themselves for marriage.
But when a hot new substitute teacher comes on the scene -- and plans to stay -- the secret plan goes awry. She's found out what they're up to, and the price of her silence is for the boys to become teacher's pet.
Please consider my novel for publication in this infinite genre.
Dear Editor: My spouse helped me translate your recent rejection since a Dewars binge made my eyesight a little fuzzy. Now that I'm sober, should I assume 'not right for the house' means, you suck worse than a two dollar hooker with fangs?
DEAR EDITOR is the brainchild of an active, creative, passionate full-time writer who has a love/hate relationship with rejection.
Enjoying this relationship with rejection does not make me a reject. Who knows, you may have one of my works on your bookshelf.
So, you wanna write? You'll have to practice. This week write about a turtle that leads eco-tours in the Galapagos. Good luck! -U.S. Writer
Bonus Exercise For Overachievers: Write a short story using these three crises: aliens abduct Brittney Spears; undersea tornado threatens kelp; the dodo bird returns through DNA replication. Good luck!
Weekend Work - you can't get out of it
Don't you ever quit? Go play with your big-person toys.
July 18, 2008
